


put your thoughts on paper

by splashstar



Series: Paradise Nostalgic [3]
Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Background Character Death, Backstory, Brother-Sister Relationships, Depression, Diary/Journal, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splashstar/pseuds/splashstar
Summary: I wish Kaito-san had thought a bit more about what he was doing, but then again, I can't say for sure what he was thinking. Depression is funny like that.--au; gumi updates her diary.
Relationships: Gumi & Hiyama Kiyoteru, Gumi & Kamui Gakupo, Gumi & Yuzuki Yukari, Hiyama Kiyoteru/Kamui Gakupo
Series: Paradise Nostalgic [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747237
Kudos: 5





	put your thoughts on paper

**Author's Note:**

> *not tagged bc there's only like two references to it, but there is bg kaito/len

**20XX年6月XX日**

It's been a couple days since _aniki_ found Kaito-san on the rooftop.

Yeah. I know that's jarring to read since I haven't written in this thing for almost a week and a half now, but I had to write something about this. Things might seem out of place as I write this--this is just going to be word barf for me, but what's new?

When _aniki_ was telling me what happened, he said that he saw Kaito-san going up the stairwell with this blank(?) look on his face. He didn't follow him closely, but once he was up on the roof, Kaito-san had already taken his shoes off and stepped up on the ledge. He tried talking him out of it, but we all know how that ended.

That's as much as he was able to tell me.

 _Aniki's_ not okay, and it's not his fault. I've been trying to text him and call him more to see how he's holding up. He only ever answers my texts, and even then, it's sparingly--which isn't normal, because he ~~always~~ usually answers when I do either. I eventually resorted to texting Kiyoteru-san instead, and he's been letting me know what's going on despite how he's been trying to process everything himself. I'm thankful that he's doing his best to look after _aniki_ , but I hope he's also looking after _himself_ \--and _aniki_ had better be keeping an eye on him, too.

Rin-chan told me yesterday that Len-kun found a suicide note in Kaito-san's room on the morning he died. He's been inconsolable ever since they found out, and I don't blame him--he _did_ just lose his boyfriend. I feel bad for him. In fact, I feel bad for everyone over there. They all loved Kaito-san so much. I know we were friends with him, too, but they were his family. I can't even imagine what they must be feeling right now.

I know I wasn't involved in this at all, but I still feel partially responsible somehow.

If I hadn't gone up to that rooftop myself two years ago, how differently would _aniki_ be handling himself right now? Maybe he wouldn't have even thought to follow Kaito-san at all if it weren't for me. Would that mean he would have died either way?

Which reminds me--I haven't actually written anything down about it since I only started keeping diaries after my therapist said it would help. Maybe I should fix that, just for record's sake.

I used to have really bad depression--not to say that I _don't_ have it anymore, it's just been much less ~~present~~ dominating to my life lately. According to the doctors, it's OCD. For a long time, I felt ~~unhappy~~ numb. I never knew why until a day when I discovered that depression was a thing and I wasn't just some crazy lunatic that suddenly decided to be cold and distant to everyone around her. I wanted to say something to _aniki_ at least, but I didn't--so I never got help, and things just escalated.

One day, I went up to the rooftop. I thought there was no hope left for me. I had a suicide note written out, but I didn't leave it out where it could be easily found since I knew that if I pulled it off, they'd have to ~~search~~ go through my room anyway. I've never been scared of heights, but I do remember being really scared when I was up there on the roof.

I never stepped up on the ledge. My shoes never even came off. I got caught by Yukari-chan while I was still staring out over the edge. From what I've been told, someone saw me going toward the roof and told her to check on me because they knew she was a friend of mine. She started asking me what I was doing up there. I just stared at her and didn't say anything at all, and I guess she knew I was going to try to jump because she told me I'd be leaving _aniki_ on his own if I did. I realized she was right. There's a certain, really cruel selfishness in contemplating suicide that never really clicked with me until then.

I don't remember who I heard this from, or who said this to me, but someone said that suicide doesn't get rid of pain--it just passes it on to someone else. Now, I can say for a fact that that's true, but it's definitely something I wouldn't have ~~thought of~~ considered two years ago. I wish Kaito-san had thought a bit more about what he was doing, but then again, I can't say for sure _what_ he was thinking. Depression is funny like that. You might think someone's the happiest person you've ever met, but you never know what happens with them behind closed doors. In hindsight, I don't think anyone even _knew_ he was depressed--if _anyone_ had an idea, it probably would have been either Len-kun or Meiko-san, but the fact that they didn't just means he taught himself to hide it. Knowing him, he probably didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

I stepped away from the edge after Yukari-chan told me to, and she came forward and hugged me. I remember her comforting warmth that made me cry so hard I fell to my knees--and she went down with me instead of trying to keep me standing with her.

Eventually, she and Akari-chan brought me back home. Yukari-chan told me I had to explain what happened on the rooftop to _aniki,_ but I already knew what I had to say to him.

I apologized first. Then I explained the rest.

I made him cry that night. I made him feel like he was at fault, like he wasn't being a good big brother to me. I still feel bad about it.

 _Aniki's_ been through too much, and I know I'm partly to blame. He's been helping me and caring for me for much longer than just the last two years. Doing the same for him is the _least_ I can do as his _imouto_. I just wish I knew _how_ to help him.

I wonder if this is how he felt, too.

I hope he's at least told Kiyoteru-san about that by now. They shouldn't be keeping any more secrets after what happened between them last year. Who knows what they'd be doing right now if I hadn't come up with that policy for them?

As much as I trust _aniki,_ he's good at keeping secrets. I guess I'm not that different from him, though.

**Author's Note:**

> *this does take canon from "numb feeling" but instead of telling gakupo what's going on, this happens  
> *the ending also references "drown and lost" (the fic and the song by re:ng lol)  
> *also i see yukari and akari as stepsisters so they're stepsisters in this
> 
> i'm still working on editing "ride or die" (maybe i'll finish v soon?) but this was a sudden idea i had while listening to "circles" by kira, so here's this in the meantime
> 
> apparently on my notes on this au from 2018, i listed gumi down as a suicide attempt survivor but i didn't put any kind of clarification, so i had to take it at face value and play around with it on my own lol


End file.
